“Help! I don’t love my step-kids! Now what do I do?” If there’s one question I get asked more than any other, this is it! Whether the couple is engaged and preparing to combine families or they are already married, this is a common fear.

My reply to this is, “Who told you you had to love your step-children?” The problem with this question is that you’re trying to play a new game with old rules! Let me explain. You’re assuming that because you love your own children, you should love your partner’s children because now you are (or soon will be) their step-parent. Well, the “old rules” you’re trying to play by are for a nuclear family model. I think just about anyone would look at you weird if you didn’t love your biological children. You been a part of their lives since birth.

Is it fair to expect yourself to love children, whom you may have only known for a few months, to the same degree as you love your own children? Does that even make sense? NO!

This isn’t a nuclear family! The “new game” is a step family. Those old rules don’t work here. Instead, they just cause guilt and frustration. Your goal should NEVER be to emulate a nuclear family. Instead, it should be to have a healthy and happy step family. Does that mean a step family is less than a nuclear family? Absolutely not!! It just means they’re different.

A step family matures in stages. As those stages progress the feelings that everyone has for one another should progress as well. In those beginning stages, everyone is awkward and uncomfortable. It may feel like all of the sudden, you’re living with a bunch of strangers.

I often advise new step-parents to try to focus on developing a “coach type” relationship with their step-children early on. Kids look up to a coach because they are another adult who is fun and can teach them things. A coach’s role is NOT a disciplinarian and they aren’t expected to love the kids they work with.

That’s the type of role you want to play. They already have a parent who is responsible for disciplining them and making sure they follow the rules. You should just be a fun person they are getting to know and developing a relationship with.

Over time as the family grows, love may or may not come into the picture. But that really isn’t necessarily the goal. Your goal as a step-parent should always be: to be another positive adult in this kid’s life. Whenever you get frustrated or question how to react, I encourage you to ask yourself, “Will this action lead me toward or away from being another positive adult in this kid’s life?”

So take the pressure off yourself. Remember you’re not playing by nuclear family rules. Don’t forget that the successful creation of a happy stepfamily takes years, NOT months. Relax and give everyone the time and space they need to flourish.

Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs on earth. Being a step-parent is even harder. Many second marriages with blended families fail for this very reason.

What often adds to and makes the situation worse are unrealistic expectations. The challenges facing a step-parent are indeed very widespread, with over 1 million Americans becoming step-parents each year.

There are bound to be some rough spots, at least initially, but you can make things a little easier by being prepared. Here are some tips to help smooth the transition to a new blended family and to help you adjust to new role as step-parent.

Allow time and space for the initial adjustments. Give kids the time and space to mourn the loss of their original family. This could mean mourning or grieving for a parent lost through divorce/death or perhaps facing the loss of your undivided attention. It is natural for a child to feel threatened and resentful of your future spouse. In the case of divorce your marriage to someone new means that any hope, no matter how small, that their biological parents were going to reunite has been dashed. Allow everyone some time to get over the past before beginning anew.

It is vital that you and your future spouse sit down and discuss some serious financial considerations and come to mutually agreeable terms before you marry. Housing, food, medical and dental bills, college & other educational activities and enrichment are all expenses that need to be fully discussed. Who will be paying for what? You, your new spouse or ex-spouse? Often a simple written agreement will clarify misunderstandings and prevent hurt feelings.

Deal with your own negative feelings about raising someone else’s kid. If the negative feelings are very intense seek some form of counseling before you tie the knot. If you are already married remember that it’s never too late to seek help.

A fantastic FREE mini e-course on being a good step-parent can be obtained by sending a blank e-mail to stepparent@freeautobot.com

Early on in my stepfamily life I wanted to get on well with everyone, be happy, be energetic and be everyone’s friend – especially the children. For me, the desire to be accepted by them was significant. My stepchildren were then 3 and 9.

The desire to be accepted was present at different levels for each of the children. With the 3 year old the need wasn’t so great. I was comfortable reminding her to pick something up or to explain how something was a bit naughty. But it was very different with the 9 year old.

He needed reminding about things too, but I couldn’t bring myself to do the job out of fear of becoming a nag and being disliked by him. Consequently I bit me lip on.

Did the lip biting have a negative effect?

Yes. I became more negative and frustrated towards my stepson and that had an impact on my relationship with my partner. It got to the stage where I could hardly be in the same room as my stepson without noticing something he was doing ‘wrong’.

I didn’t tell his dad at risk of nagging and moaning and I didn’t want to alienate myself with my stepson (which I was doing through my non-verbal communication anyway).

The pressure was building within me and I wasn’t enjoying being a stepmum at all. Something had to change.

You must learn how to communicate your needs effectively

I learnt a long time ago that you can’t control or change other people and that you need to be the change you want to see. So I realised that it was me who needed to change, not my stepson.

Through exploring what was going wrong I discovered that I wasn’t communicating my needs effectively. In fact I discovered that I’d NEVER been any good at communicating my needs and was probably even suppressing them.

So what are our needs? These are going to be different for us all but generally we all need to be loved, understood, to feel connected, to feel special, to feel secure, respected, listened too, etc.

By not communicating what I needed I wasn’t helping myself or my family. In fact I was doing the opposite. Once I realised this I knew it was my responsibility, for the success and health of my family, to make sure I communicated what I needed. So I discovered how to do that.

After over 30 years of not communicating my needs I do still need to make a conscious effort to get it right.

What are the results?

Now I easily get 10 minutes peace and quiet after dinner. The children put their washing in the laundry basket, take care of a few tasks around the house and speak to me with more “pleases” and “thank yous” than before.

These few simple things have made a positive difference to my family. Things run more smoothly now and I have a more peaceful state of mind!

Until next time! Jo Ball www.TheStepfamilyCoach.com

There are, in this complicated world, a great many step-parents. If you are one, as I am, do you know your legal position in terms of what you can and cannot authorise when it comes to your step children?

Imagine you have recently married and your spouse has three children. Your spouse is off on camp with the youngest child leaving you to run around with the elder two. You agree they can go out cycling for a half hour. Then the police knock on the door. One of the children has been in an accident and is currently being treated by paramedics before being taken to hospital. The other child is being accused of causing the accident and the police want to talk to her.

Neither of the children’s natural parents can be contacted by mobile phone. What can you do or more importantly what are you allowed to do? The answer to this question will depend on if you have Parental Responsibility.

Who really has parental responsibility?
A step-parent even if married to a parent of children does not acquire Parental Responsibility for a child automatically. Parental Responsibility is the bundle of rights and duties relating to a child. Duties include providing clothing, a home, an education and making sure no harm comes to the child. An individual with Parental Responsibility can authorise a change of name for a child in certain circumstances and can give consent to marry if the child is under the age of 18.

The mother of a child always has Parental Responsibility. An unmarried father of a child whose birth was registered before 30th November 2003 does not automatically have Parental Responsibility even if he is registered as the father on the child’s birth certificate. Since 1st December 2003 however an unmarried father who is present when the birth is registered i.e. is on the birth certificate, does acquire Parental Responsibility. Father’s without Parental Responsibility are able to acquire it through a formal agreement registered with the authorities or through a Court Order.

Rights and responsibilities of step-parents
Step-parents since 5th December 2005 can also acquire Parental Responsibility through a formal agreement or Court Order. Other Orders which result in Parental Responsibility to a step-parent or other individual (e.g. grand-parent) are a Residence Order which regulates where a child will live and gives the individual with the Residence Order Parental Responsibility until the child is 16. A Parental Responsibility Order however endures until the child’s 18th birthday. Following the Civil Partnership Act 2004 coming into force on the 5th December 2005 same sex partners in a registered Civil Partnership are also able to acquire Parental Responsibility by formal agreement or Court Order.

Step-parents however still will not and do not acquire Parental Responsibility automatically. For a formal agreement each person with Parental Responsibility has to sign the Agreement. This is often the natural parents and any other individuals who have acquired Parental Responsibility since the birth of the child.

A step-parent on acquiring Parental Responsibility has the same duties and responsibilities as any other individual including a natural parent with Parental Responsibility.

For advice on how to acquire parental responsibility and what your responsibilities are as a step-parent contact Karen Agnew-Griffith, specialist family lawyer with Woolley & Co solicitors. Karen regularly advises parents and step-parents about their rights and responsibilities. Call (01366 727170) or email Karen with your specific questions at karen.agnew-griffith@divorce.co.uk

As a step-parent, you have your work cut out for you because you now have to earn the trust and respect of your step-child.

This is the best way for you to influence the child’s behaviour. Gaining a child’s trust and respect happens over a period of time and is not something that can be rushed.

In the beginning, let the child’s biological parent handle the correcting and reprimanding.

Let this be the rule until the child has accepted you. Effective step-parents should move into disciplinary roles gradually.

Don’t get pulled into a debate between your spouse and his/her child about behavioral issues. Let your spouse handle the situation. Only join in when and if your spouse asks for your help.

Start building your relationship with the child by offering help with homework, sports, problem solving, and so on.

Do not give up if the child turns you down, but let it be know that you are available if it has a problem or needs help.

Allow your spouse some quality time with the child. This shows the child you are not trying to take away its mum or dad.

Once you have bonded with the child you can begin sharing some of the discipline with your spouse.

The biological parent must pass power to the step-parent so that the child will understand that the step-parent is not acting on his or her own authority.

With your spouse, set up a few house rules and consequences, then share these with the child in a family meeting.

If a rule is broken, as far as the children are concerned it is the parents’ rule, not just the step-parent’s.

It is important for step-parents not to consider themselves failures if they do not achieve parental status with every child, since the length of time required to move into this role depends on several factors, most of which are beyond the step-parents’ control.

There’s one thing we see in families more and more these days. Actually, it’s been around for most of the last half century, so it’s quite the norm - it is blended families. I don’t think there is one step parent, or step son or step daughter out there that thinks it’s a perfect situation. The reality is it’s far from perfect and requires quite a bit of work and commitment to get it to work, and then even more work to keep it going.

So, when you find yourself in the situation of being a step parent, what’s going to work in building a relationship with your partner’s children? Well, that depends on a number of factors. This is not the subject of this article - dealing with all those many factors.

I would like to share with you one thing I learned recently that makes a whole deal of sense and actually works.

It involves the step parent not “becoming” Mum or Dad to the step son or daughter, but simply being their friend; being someone who is not intrusive, and who is able to nurture and build upon trust, creating an environment of mutual respect - this is friendship, in one short word.

Some might say, “How can I be a friend with a kid, or a teenager?” For some, this doesn’t compute. I want to suggest that if you want success in your relationship with your partner, then investing positive time and effort into their children is a very good idea. Befriending them is a low-risk and sure-fire way of achieving success. Kids can smell a liar from a mile off, so do it in the most genuine, sincere and loving way you can. Put a lot of thought and consideration into it, and seek counsel and support from your partner.

Love can’t be forced. You cannot just instantly “love” them; it doesn’t work like that. You can’t expect too much from yourself as far as having an intrinsic love toward your step child; and your partner can’t either expect too much either. It would be downright unfair to expect a child or teen to suddenly love a step parent. This sort of love takes years. Possibly, if you’ve come into the relationship early enough in your step child’s life, say when they were still an infant or toddler (below school age), you might have had the history and the time to develop such a love.

One day at a time, work on gaining their trust and respect. This doesn’t make you inferior to them; it makes you their ally and advocate, someone they can rely upon in their hour of need. Gaining their trust and respect also means you diffuse any issue they might possibly have with you and they’ll see you as no threat. If you love your step child’s mum or dad, the only other barrier is how you treat the child themself or one of their siblings. Trust and respect go a long way in building loving relationships. Trust and respect are key risk management tools for relationships. Remember, trust and respect don’t work without love.

Some short tips:

Are you putting the sort of time, effort and commitment in to building a loving relationship with your step child? Are you at peace that you’re doing all you can to get you both there? It’s not too late if the answer is ‘no’ to both these questions. When you get it wrong, courageously say sorry and start over.

Lastly, it’s so important to support your partner in the parenting task of their children. Though discipline for the children should be your partner’s responsibility (as the intrinsically trusted parent), you can be a listening ear, and quiet supporter. By support I mean, help them to do their job as a sole parent. At times this means putting your own needs on the backburner.

Being a friend to a child is knowing the blessing of God.

© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

Parenting your own children is challenging enough but when you are parenting someone else’s children, the demands are intensified. When a new marriage thrusts you into the role of step parent, you may find the journey to be fraught with obstacles; but with a little sensitivity and a lot of communication you can find the role of step parenting an enormously rewarding one.

Step parenting can mean that you are faced with marriage and parenthood in one fell swoop. Adjusting to married life can be challenging enough but when you compound the issues with children who are often bitter and confused, you’re not always off to a great start. And if you don’t have children of your own, you are now having your first experience with parenting. It can be extremely stressful for all involved.

Begin by remembering that step parenting is an evolution. This is a situation that will require quite a bit of adjustment; and as things settle down and the dust clears you will find that you have settled in to a rhythm.

Remember first and foremost that the job of step parenting does not require you to be your step children’s friend. While you may not be their biological parent you are still an adult who is worthy of respect. Children have plenty of friends; what they need is adult involvement and healthy parenting.

Conversely, while you may not your step children’s friend, you are also not their biological parent. Just as you are asking them to afford you a certain amount of respect, make it clear that you will respect their boundaries as well. Assure them that you understand that you are not their parent and you are not trying to take the place of that parent. Many times this will be just what the children need to hear. Rather than having to protect themselves from someone who they are concerned is trying to usurp their parent, they can relax and think of you as who you are – the person who is married to their mom or dad.

Step parenting can be a really rewarding role. Sometimes these relationships wind up being some of the most special to come from such a union. Begin your own unique journey by getting to know the children to whom you will be step parenting. You may find that they are amazing people to know.